When Mothers’ Unhealed Wounds Become Daughters’ Burdens

By FATIMA HUSSAINI

A Burden Children Never Chose

CHILDREN do not choose the homes into which they are born. They do not choose their parents, the circumstances surrounding their birth or the difficulties that may shape their families.

Yet, for some daughters, the consequences of their mothers’ struggles become burdens they carry long after childhood.

A daughter may find herself expected to compensate for a failed marriage, fulfil dreams her mother could not achieve, provide financial support or absorb anger arising from experiences she had no role in creating.

Sometimes, the burden appears as neglect or excessive responsibility. At other times, it emerges through constant warnings about men, marriage and relationships.

The daughter may be loved, but still become the recipient of expectations shaped by a mother’s unresolved past.

When a Mother’s Experience Becomes a Daughter’s Reality

For many women, motherhood begins amid difficult circumstances. Financial pressure, troubled marriages, separation, absent partners, family expectations and the responsibility of providing for children can create enormous strain.

Some mothers manage those difficulties while raising their children. Others, however, continue carrying unresolved disappointment and painful memories.

Those experiences can influence how they relate with their children, particularly their daughters.

The effect is sometimes subtle. A mother may believe she is offering protection when she warns her daughter never to trust men. She may think she is preparing her child for the realities of marriage.

However, repeated warnings can also cause a daughter to see relationships through her mother’s experience rather than her own.

A Fear Passed From One Generation to Another

Comfort Ubong recalled the experience of a woman whose mother’s painful marriage shaped how she viewed her own husband’s success.

The woman’s husband was working at a private school in Lagos despite having graduated with a second-class upper degree. Comfort helped him secure an opportunity at a bank.

Instead of welcoming the development, his wife became upset.

The reason, according to Comfort, was rooted in the woman’s childhood.

Her father had been financially comfortable but, she said, had not spent money on her mother before eventually leaving the family for another woman. Her mother then raised the children alone.

That experience shaped the advice she gave her daughters.

She warned them against marrying financially successful men because she feared that economic prosperity could give a husband the opportunity to abandon his wife.

For her daughter, therefore, her husband’s financial progress became a source of fear rather than celebration.

Comfort said the woman believed that keeping her husband from becoming financially secure would reduce the possibility of losing him.

The original experience belonged to the mother. But its fear had travelled to the daughter.

A Child Made Responsible for an Adult’s Marriage

For Adejoke Olakunle, the experience was more direct.

Her parents separated when she was nine. Her mother later remarried and had three children with another man. Adejoke moved into the new household but said she often felt she was treated differently from her younger siblings.

She recalled going to school without food or money and being instructed to ask her biological father for assistance.

As she grew older, she said, her mother began blaming her for problems in the new marriage.

Her stepfather, she said, was a womaniser. Yet when he stayed away from home, her mother blamed Adejoke for his absence.

She was only about 13 or 14.

At that age, she was being made to carry responsibility for a relationship between adults and for the behaviour of a man over whom she had no control.

Eventually, Adejoke began looking for somewhere else to live. At 16, she moved in with her boyfriend.

At 17, after becoming pregnant, she said her mother chased her out of the house.

Her experience illustrates how a child who does not feel protected at home can begin searching elsewhere for belonging and security.

Poverty, Responsibility & a Lost Childhood

Amaka Onuha’s story combines poverty, loss, neglect and physical punishment.

After her father died, she said her mother did not assume the family responsibilities she needed her to take on. Instead, Amaka became responsible for herself and her younger siblings.

She was also repeatedly beaten.

Still, she tried to create a different future. She saved money because she wanted to acquire a skill that could help her become financially independent.

Rather than encourage that plan, she said her mother repeatedly told her to find a wealthy man who could rescue the family from poverty.

For a young girl already carrying family responsibilities, the message became another source of frustration.

Eventually, Amaka began seeking other ways to make money. She described sleeping with men for financial reasons as part of the desperate circumstances surrounding her life.

Her story shows how economic hardship can intersect with family expectations and emotional distress, leaving a young person searching for survival options far beyond what should ordinarily be expected of a child.

When Responsibility Becomes Too Much

Aanuoluwapo David described another form of pressure: overwhelming responsibility.

Her parents separated when she was very young, and she became responsible for younger siblings.

Eventually, she dropped out of school so she could work and support them.

She said her mother repeatedly reminded her that the children were her responsibility.

The situation became more complicated when one of her mother’s partners moved into the household.

Aanuoluwapo said the man touched her inappropriately. After she reported the incident to her mother, the relationship between the adults deteriorated and the man eventually left.

But instead of feeling protected, she said her mother blamed her for the man’s departure and told her that she now had to provide for the household.

She later enrolled for tailoring training and saved money to buy a sewing machine. According to her account, her mother sold the machine for ₦30,000, using ₦10,000 for practical training and keeping the remaining ₦20,000 for feeding and shelter.

The experience left her continuing to live with the responsibilities she had carried from childhood.

The Psychology of Inherited Pain

Clinical psychologist Damilare Ashani said such experiences can occur when parents themselves have not recovered from painful experiences.

According to him, mothers who remain traumatised may struggle to become the positive examples they want to be for their children.

A mother may believe she is protecting her daughter by warning her about the dangers she encountered in relationships. However, if the mother’s experience remains unresolved, the warning can become a means of transferring fear.

The daughter may begin to interpret the world through her mother’s experiences.

Ashani explained that a failed relationship does not mean every relationship will fail, just as betrayal by one person does not mean everyone else should be considered untrustworthy.

That distinction, he said, allows children to learn from their parents without becoming prisoners of their parents’ experiences.

Breaking the Cycle

The first step towards breaking the cycle is recognising that children can understand their mothers’ circumstances without becoming responsible for them.

A mother who experienced abandonment can tell her daughter what happened. But she can also explain what she learnt, acknowledge her own mistakes and allow the child to form independent judgments.

That approach gives a daughter the opportunity to learn from the past without inheriting its fear.

Ashani also stressed the importance of recognising unresolved emotional burdens.

A child who repeatedly hears that men cannot be trusted may eventually believe that trust itself is dangerous. A daughter who is constantly reminded of her mother’s sacrifices may feel guilty whenever she chooses a different path.

Similarly, a child who is repeatedly assigned adult responsibilities may begin measuring her worth by how much suffering she can endure.

These lessons can remain long after childhood.

Healing Beyond the Home

Therapy can help mothers process experiences that continue to influence their behaviour.

Ashani said more Nigerians are seeking therapy, although awareness and access to mental health professionals remain challenges.

Some people do not know where to find qualified professionals. Others may be uncertain about cost or what therapy involves.

As a result, some women continue carrying experiences they have never properly processed.

And when pain remains unaddressed, it can sometimes enter the home and shape the next generation.

For daughters, the central lesson is that their mothers’ histories may help explain some family experiences, but those histories should not determine their futures.

A daughter is not a second chance for a failed marriage. She is not a financial plan. Neither should she be required to complete dreams that belonged to another generation.

She deserves the freedom to learn from her mother’s life without having to live it again.